MarySue, we hate you
by Invader Gilly
Summary: No longer a one shot showing the most horrible species known to fangirl kind - The Mary-Sue
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I hate Mary-Sues. I really do. I have nothing against OCs in general, but I hate those sappy characters with no personality. So I've decided to take Mary-Sues to the extreme. I'll just leave it as a one-shot, though. **

**Just so you know:  
When you're reading this, if you feel that I'm making fun of YOUR story, I assure you, I'm not. This story is all in the name of fun, and I didn't mean to insult anyone's story. **

**Disclaimer: don't own Zim or JtHM. I'm just one of those crazy fans that Jhonen lovingly refers to as 'horrible screaming goblins'.**

Once upon a time, there was a beautiful, sexy Irken named Gip. She also had an incredibly tragic past, but that won't be revealed until later. I believe that a physical description is necessary at this point.

Gip was around 4`6``, had GORGEOUS emerald-green skin, and antennae that were reminiscent of curly-fries. Her eyes were two different colors; the right one was sky blue, and the left one was grass green. And everyone knows how FREAKISHLY ABNORMAL two different eye colors are for Irkens. So Gip was a Social Outcast. (Pretty tragic past, right?) Boo hoo. But that wasn't the only reason she was an Outcast and had no Social Life; she SECRETLY LOVED ZIM! (There's a shock) And since everyone hated Zim, everyone hated Gip.

When Zim had gone off Invader-ing, Gip entered a severe depression and developed a disease that condemned her to speak in a Valley-Girl accent. It was quite embarrassing, and the shock of the disease forced Gip out of her depression. She had to DO SOMETHING _**EPIC**_. So she did.

She went to the Tallest and _BESEECHED_ them to send her to Earth to find Zim.

"My Tallest" said Gip, still speaking like a Valley-Girl. "Like, please send me to my Zim. He, like needs me!"

The Tallest exchanged glances.

"Well" whispered Red to Purple, "We could send this loser to the Other loser; then the Empire would be loser free!" Purple couldn't argue with logic, so they both agreed to give Gip a lousy spaceship and a crappy SIR unit and send her on her merry way.

"Like, she's cute! What's her name?" Gip squealed as the hunk of junk that was an insult to robots everywhere came tumbling in front of her.

"It doesn't have one" said Purple. This kid was starting to get on his nerves.

"Well" squeaked Gip, "Since she's so cute, I'll name her Cutie! Like, how awesome is that!"

Red's eye began to twitch.

The Tallest gave her a lousy, broken down Voot. She fixed it up with her magical Mary-Sue powers, making it pink and covered in flowers.

Somewhere in the universe, multiple fangirls gagged.

Cutie's name was misleading. For one thing, she was a piece of crap and ugly as hell. She also hated Gip with the intensity of a kajillion volcanoes. When Gip cheerily started humming the 'My Little Ponies' theme, Cutie glared at her venomously. "I hate you and I'll never do what you tell me to do" she said.

Gip gasped dramatically. "But – but you're supposed to be really happy and fall in love with GIR later! Like, that's what we Mary-Sues do!" She then reprogrammed Cutie to be perpetually happy and annoying. Whoopie.

Six months later, they reached Earth, set up a base, and enrolled in Skool.

"Class," snarled Ms. Bitters, "I now introduce the newest disgusting appendage to the student community. This is…. Gip."

Gip waved happily out at the class. Zim and Dib's attention was immediately focused on her. Dib thought, "GOD, she's SEXY! She's not even disguised, and I can plainly see she's an alien, but I don't care right now!"

Zim's thoughts were more along the lines like, "Whoa. Another Irken. She's so perfect, and even though Irkens don't date or anything, WHAT THE HECK! I'll just leave all my sanity behind and fall completely in love with her!"

At recess, Gip dramatically pronounced her love for Zim and they got married…. In the skool-yard! OMG! She also revealed something shocking – she was Dib's MOM! That means the Zim was his Step-dad! Such an epic twist in the plot this was!

The rest of the day, Zim and Dib stared at Gip, who flashed a perfect smile and batted her eyelashes the whole day long.

It was sickening.

At the end of the day, Gip walked home, Dib and Zim trailing after her like lost puppies; completely caught under her spell and –

Okay, I can't take it anymore. Time to give this story some PIZZAZ!

As Gip skipped home, a tall, thin man holding knives walked up to her. Shouts of "Kill her, Nny!" and "Come on, Johnny, you can do it!" came from the surrounding houses where fangirls lived. Nny chased after Gip. They disappeared into a dark alley. Nny came out holding a bucket filled to the brim with a red liquid. He was whistling cheerfully. He walked up to a short girl with a ponytail, who smirked, and paid him $10 for his…. services.

Gip was never seen again.

THE END!

**A/N: The end sort of sucked…. But I had to incorporate Nny. I LOVE HIM! And in case you didn't get the ending, I paid Nny to kill Gip. She was annoying. **

**~Gilly**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: I have the impression that some people wanted me to continue this… Unfortunately, I had killer writer's block for IZ which miraculously cleared to reveal… THIS!  
I, Invader Gilly, present to you:**

**MARY SUE, WE HATE YOU! PART TWO! (Complete with OOCness!)**

**Disclaimer: Zim ain't mine. Sigh…**

It had been a week since the brutal slaughter of Gip. Such a sad incident. Gip had been beautiful, sexy, beauticious, shmexy, smexy, lovely, and all of the above. The most horrible thing was that it had been on the day of her wedding to Zim, the ONE TWUE WUV OF HER LIFE!1111!

"GIR! I can't control myself!" shouted Zim to his servant one day. "There are… RAGING HORMONES in my body!"

GIR giggled. "I like hormones!"

Zim stroked his chin pensively. "I still can't believe that Gip was the mother of the Dib-stink! My mortal enemy!" And just because he was feeling spontaneous, Zim decided, "I will ruthlessly slaughter Dib, sprinkle his mortal remains on the grave of my beloved, therefore bringing her back to life!"

Yes, readers. The unthinkable has happened. Irkens have discovered voodoo.

Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?

Across town, in a dark room, Dib was sitting on his bed, bawling his eyes out.

"Noooooo! Mooooooom!" He wailed, suddenly turning emo and slashing his wrists. "Why did you have to leave as soon as I found you! You're all I have to live for!"

"Shut up, Dib!" yelled Gaz from downstairs. "That little weirdo wasn't Mom!"

Dib's eyes welled up with tears again. "Gaz! Don't say that! I know you are just a wounded soul who acts tough just to protect your fragile self-esteem."

_**BANG!**_

The door to Dib's room flew open, revealing Gaz on the other side, looking pissed and_ really_ scary.

"What was that you said, Dib?"

Dib sniffed and wiped his nose with the corner of his trench coat. It suddenly dawned on him that calling Gaz 'fragile' wasn't the best idea.

"Wait, Gaz!" Dib choked, as Gaz hoisted him up by the throat. "I have another way to satisfy your blood lust!"

Gaz slowly let him down. "I'm listening."

"We can kill Zim!"

Gaz blinked. That was… impulsive. "Umm…"

"I'll give you my allowance until I'm eighteen."

"Deal."

Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?

Zim and GIR walked through a park, deadly weapons in hand. Suddenly, a BEAUTIFUL girl with flowing honey colored hair and mysterious deep blue eyes that held the secret to life on earth walked by, swinging her hips. Zim stopped in his tracks, all thoughts of resurrecting Gip gone from his mind. Rushing up to the beauty, he knelt on one knee and grabbed her hand, kissing it.

"Mademoiselle" Zim said, in a sexy, husky French accent that appeared out of nowhere. "Please, what is your name?"

The girl didn't seem surprised in the slightest that a complete stranger had come up to her and grabbed her hand. "Hello, sweetheart" she mused in an adorable southern accent. "My name's Jacqueline Anna Catheryne Kiwi Amazing Stunning Sue. Are you Invader Zim?"

"Huh?" Zim asked, French accent vanishing in a flash. "How do you know that?"

J.A.C.K.A.S.S. (for those were her initials) winked at Zim, her eyes now turning purple. "I have my ways."

Zim glomped her waist. "No! Don't leave! Let's be together forever! In fact, let's get married!"

J.A.C.K.A.S.S. gasped. "I'd love to! But, I have a deep, dark secret that shouldn't be shared. However, in the mere five minutes that I've known you, I feel like I can trust you."

J.A.C.K.A.S.S. lifted up her pant leg, revealing shapely smooth legs. Zim was confused.

"Your secret is that you have hot legs?"

"No, silly-willy" said J.A.C.K.A.S.S. with a tinkling laugh that would make Tinkerbell jealous. She pushed an obvious button on a not so obvious anklet and her image flickered like a hologram. Suddenly Zim realized that she was an Irken!

"Oh, Zim" sighed the strange, skimpily dressed Irken. "I am Tallest Red's daughter" she blinked her teal eyes sadly. "He exiled me because I totally defied Irken law!"

Zim waited a few seconds before asking, "Uh, what did you do?"

J.A.C.K.A.S.S. laughed again. "Oh, too bad! You got the lazy-ass author who doesn't bother to go into detail on my back-story. It is tragic though, I can tell you that!"

Zim grinned. "Okie-dokie! Wanna go get married?"

"SQUEE!" squeed J.A.C.K.A.S.S., deafening several people nearby. "Let's go!" Suddenly her anklet beeped (yea, this girl is 2 cool 4 a wrist watch! LOLOLOLOLOL!111!)

"Oh! It's my sister! She has also found a boyfriend! Do you mind if we have a double wedding?"

"Not at all _me petite chou_" said Zim in French. He would do anything for his sugar muffin!

Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?

Meanwhile…

Dib and Gaz were walking through the park towards Zim's house, WMDs in hand. Suddenly, OMIGOSH! A beautiful girl walked by, her black hair swishing back and forth. She had grass green eyes and she had a wonderful hourglass figure that made Dib drool. Gaz face palmed and walked back home.

_Meh_ she thought. _You've seen one Sue, you've seen 'em all._

Dib promptly fainted and the girl, being the Incredibly Awesome Person ™ that she was, rushed over to help him up, splashing his face with a bottle of water that she kept in her Emergency Purse ™.

Dib woke up looking into the beautiful orange eyes of the golden haired girl.

"Wait a second" he croaked. "Didn't you used to have black hair and green eyes?"

"Huh?"

"Never mind. Heh. You're pretty."

"I know."

Indeed she was. Unfortunately, the afore mentioned lazy-ass author does not want to trudge through meaningless dialogue and descriptive dialogue that would make these 2D characters 3D, so we'll just skip to the part you've all been waiting for…

"PrettyGurl, will you marry me?"

"LOL!" squealed PrettyGurl, waving her arms in excitement and accidently knocking out a helpless old lady that was taking her evening stroll through the park.

"Wait! Lemme call my sister so she can come!"

"But I just proposed!"

"I know! Let's have the wedding tonight!"

Suddenly, rainbows appeared behind Dib as his eyes went all anime. "You would do that? I can't wait! I need to escape the raging horror of my life! My daddy beats me, you know."

PrettyGurl gasped. "What a cowinkidink! My daddy beats me too! We were MEANT 2 B!"

So, of course, PrettyGurl called J.A.C.K.A.S.S. and of course Zim and Dib didn't care that they were having a double wedding with their mortal enemy because they were with their TWO WUVS!

Gip turned in her grave. Wherever Cutie was, she was laughing her butt off.

Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?

In the space of a mere three minutes, J.A.C.K.A.S.S. and PrettyGurl were able to do their hair, makeup, and find dresses that hugged their perfect figures.

(Of course, the fact that they're blatant Mary-Sues might contribute to that.)

So J.A.C.K.A.S.S., Zim, PrettyGurl, and Dib stood in a small Chapel in front of an old priest.

The priest cleared his throat. "If anyone has any reason why these couples should not be joined in marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Silence.

"Then I pronounce you –"

"_**WAIT!**_"

The five turned to the doorway to face –

"Like, OMG!" J.A.C.K.A.S.S. said. "It's Jhonen Vasquez!"

The King of Awesomeness himself stormed in, looking awesome. Ignoring the happy couples entirely, he threateningly pointed a finger at the sky.

"What the hell is this!" he bellowed.

I paused in my typing to confront the King, immediately wilting under his icy glare.

"Um, well" I swallowed. "It's a humor fic, see."

Uh-huh."

" Aw, come on, Mr. V! It's a parody! Just look at the title!"

"Change them back. _Now_."

"Spoilsport" I muttered.

Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?ZZ?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?Z?

Dib and Zim awoke on Zim's floor, groaning.

"Ugh, what happened?" asked Dib, adjusting his glasses.

"Hm" Zim thought. "I think I was destroying the Earth."

"Yeah" said Dib. "Yeah, that was it. Anyway. YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT ALIEN SCUM!"

"TRY AND STOP ME EARTH FILTH!"

Across town, Gaz Membrane paused her game and sighed happily.

"The rightful order has been restored."

THE END!

**A/N: Gah! Jhonen hates me! T_T**

**Oh, well. :P Review, everyone!**

**~Gilly**


End file.
